I Love the Butterfly – Lessons on Growing up and Who I Am

When you are young, you have to figure out basic things, such as your favourite colour, food and animal amongst others. Unlike my school mates, mine was the butterfly. The answer was not that popular.

I remember that during second or third grade there was this friendship book trend, where you have to write in someone’s book everything about yourself. Name, parents, eye colour, what you would like to become whatever and of course favourite colour, hobbies and animal. Normal stuffs, although it is quite questionable how normal it is to ask your friends to write down their personal information down into a book, but that is beside the point.

Out of courtesy, I had to write my answer as well when it was my turn and I had to say what my favourite animal is, which was the butterfly because I thought it was pretty and I thought they would mock me for that, which they did or at least they teased me. So, I never wrote butterfly as my answer. Read more


In the Spur of the Moment?

What matters?

This terribly ugly, yet grey, not dark and not light feeling that urges inside of you. It is such a great contradiction, because it makes you feel guilty, for you know you are being impossible, you are angry and then there is this side that just want to let it all out.

It is such a familiar feeling for everyone, I guess.

The momentary anger, the hurt and the needless desire to lash it out to everyone, or just one person it particular. Does it matter? I guess not because in the end, you will feel bad and regret this anyway.

I had thought that it wouldn’t matter, thought that distance was just a number and we could be proud, that in the end, we would be stronger than ever. how was i supposed to know that this was already the end then.

Those feelings are unjust and unreal, wrong and yet, they feel so right.

That momentary anger.

The things you do in the spur of the moment.

The hurt you want to cause.

But will it hurt?

Will it even be cared?

Do I even care?

I should not, it would make it fair, but what is fair anyway?

I should call. I feel guilty and I should call and I want to, but then there is this part of me that doesn’t want to do anything.

It is irrational, but it is the way it is.

I don’t know if I am just sprouting this in the spur of the moment, but does it matter anyway? Because that’s how I feel right now and nothing could ever change that. There is also the possibility that I am just saying this, being adamant on this, because that’s how I feel right now. I want to be adamant, I want this to be the truth and I need this to be true. This is how I feel right now, and perhaps I may regret, perhaps apologize and say I am sorry, and change my point, but right now, I don’t.

So I wonder, what is the worth of now?

The Need for Beauty

Sometimes, I fear that people believe me to be vain, perhaps even superficial. But that is the first impression that will be answered with a yes or no and I truly fear that most of the time, in my case people will answer with yes.

But I cannot blame them, for the truth, I do care about my appearance, perhaps too much, but who am I to judge when no one else can agree on anything. My love for beauty shows through my clothing and that’s okay with me, because I adore expression, just like I adore any kind of expression, for beauty is fashion, because fashion is art and art is all about expression, even when sometimes it is not very fashion.

But there are still people, who judge and condemn. They love to put you in a drawer.

They say that beauty is not real.

I have thought long and hard about it.

I cannot argue with that exactly.

Indeed, beauty is not real. 

Beauty is an illusion.

Beauty is what you make out of it. Read more

The Hardship of Letting Go

This topic came up a few times and it made me think, – and it is not because of a certain song that carries a similar title! –

I guess this was bound to happen, when you grow up and time passes and friends have went through few relationships. Just like it is bound to happen that you witness one or two make-up-and-break-up rounds and at worst, on-and-off-relationships, which, sadly, can be very common for certain people.

I have heard comments like this quite often and I think most people can relate to these heard words:

“The first break-up and it’s the breakup forever.”

Being considerate, I just opt not say anything and let people be, give people and relationships the benefit of doubt, because even when it turns out to be misplaced, there will be sadder things to deal with.

I almost believe that I have seen all kinds of turns such a relationship can take, because that’s how different – not saying crazy – the people around me are.

Break up, and it’s done.

Break up, make up, break no°2 and it’s done.

Break up, make up *million, and the hope that someday, it’s really done.

(And the relationship that makes you feel like you are watching an old married couple.)

But it is not relationships that are the focus here, neither is it the moving on that is the problem, but the letting go or rather the attempt of letting go.

See, that is, at least for me, a very interesting thing, because looking from a far point of view, it really is interesting. This kind of act is not solely reserved for relationships at all, at least not in that sense. It can be a fling, an affair, even just a crush, infatuation, attraction, even just a tension between two people, as silly as it sounds.

Relationships are not a factor.

It is the intensity that makes you… or breaks you.

I believe that the relationships without the breakups are actually the hardest to let go from. Perhaps there will be other opinions, they may be legitimate, but that one is as well. Since, in comparison to relationships, were there is an end, as symbolized by the break up, in a beautiful metaphor, and this breakup, depending on it, is a deliberate choice to end something for whatever reason. A reason that is legitimate enough that makes someone think of not pursuing it anymore.

So these almost-relationships are the worst.

These kind of relationships are different, they are not flings or affairs. It is more like the tension between two people, that can turn into beautiful sparks, like a relationship or just, the in-between step before you begin a relationship or a crush or a beautiful infatuation. These unspoken things, that were maybe started, but never really ended, because it never happened.

It is the possibility that is lethal.

It is for every kind of relationship, for every kind of people. Because possibilities do not die, they are just there.

They hang in the air, maybe they are not always seen, but they are there and once you have been reminded of the fact that they are there, you cannot ignore it for the moment, and they remind us of the thing that is not.

Maybe it is the letting of the possibility of what could have been that is hard, not even the person, for that person could just be the metaphor.

Another hardship along the way can be the pride, which is adamant, stubbornly adamant on refusing to accept that you have not completely let go of it. However, if not accepted, it cannot be dealt with, since you cannot deal and let go of something that is ‘nothing’.

The relationships, like between lovers, or when there is love involved, is different. They may deal with similar symptoms, but they are still different, since there are different factors involved, depending on the intensity of the past relationship. In general, I would say, if it was a serious one, not just a fifth grade boyfriend/girlfriend that is being dealt with, it gets complicated.

For me, when there is a relationship, it means that at some point, there must have been the will to tie your life with someone, because this is what it means to be with someone, to share your life with someone else, maybe even to the point of marriage for a few. Not something lightly. If this thing breaks, there will be disappointment and sadness, of a much different level. It is the kind of sadness in knowing that the person you were willing to share a part of your life with, would not anymore.

In comparison to others, I fear that in such kind of relationships, it is almost, more than others, impossible to let go of them. How can you let go of something that was and could have been a big part of your life, of the meaning the person has and can still hold for you?

I have also seen all kinds of weird post break-up scenes, and it is amusing as a bystander, or even as a friend, admittedly even crazy at times, but of course in the funny, adorable kind of way.

The most interesting as it gets is, maybe not surprisingly, when someone else is involved. This situation forces you to deal with it, because ignorance, as blissful as it is, is no longer an option.

From there, it follows a typical path of the post-relation-ship.

From self-doubting questions to outrage, to the question of worthiness from every side, your’s, his,’ her’s, its, whatever and back to hope and back to the beginning; the doubt whether is was the right decision. This post-relation-ship does have admittedly a very roller-coaster like path, only with more downs than ups.

These questions make a big point, and hence make a big difference between the almost- and was-relationship. In past relationships, you can at least say, we had been, which is more than what can be said for the other case.

Letting go means admitting defeat, accepting that there was something wrong, or at least something that was not right. It is something we hate to do, because frankly, who loves admitting the loss?


Joy of Giving

So I have been planning this surprise visit for a very special someone, whom I have not seen for a long time, at least far longer than I would have liked. I miss that person and I know that the feelings are mutual, so, when I was asked when I would come back, I did not reveal that I had already booked my tickets and am already just counting down the day until we can see each other again. I wanted to keep this a secret, because I wanted it to be a surprise.

So these last few days I have been wrecking my head over what kind of surprise, a master-plan unfolding in my hand. I have even gotten my own two little helpers a.k.a roomies, who I dragged let in on this whole thing. I have run almost every kind of scenario through my head, which one may be the most realistic/ realizable one, the sweetest kind of surprise, the one with the biggest wow-effect over to the silliest one that came up when I was too tired to remain sane, which is – as I might add –  a great feat considering I am through and through packed with learning for my studies.

Everyone around me is – as I assume – deadly-tired aware of my plans. So then, there came that one question.

“Why are you doing this? “

I have been asked whether this may not been too much, for just a few months apart. I have even heard from others commenting on how corny it is, so dramatic what I have planned, just for a reunion. If I was already planning such a big surprise plan thingy for a few months then what would I do if I spent a year away from that person?

But the thing is, it does not actually matter.

Maybe that is what some people do not understand.

It does not matter how long you have been apart.

The only thing that matters is how much that person means to you.

I am just doing all this, the whole planning, caring so much to make such a deal out of it, because … well I care.

I have so much fun planning all this and that, too, can be something that people fail to understand or realize. That one special day is a day I am looking forward to so much and so, I am not only doing this for someone else, but for myself as well. I want it to be something special, something grand, not humble or simple. It would be of an option, but I never took it into consideration. I want it to be big, since this time, it is not for me, but for someone, who is special to me and I want to show this.

For one, to show how much I care.

Secondly, because I know how the other person will appreciate it.

And lastly, connected to the previous point, because I love how much my caring will be appreciated.

It is not the distance that matters or time. In the end, they are irrelevant. The only things that count are how much you love that person you are doing this all for, as this would also give you joy, the joy of giving. I imagine that in the end – no matter what kind of surprise I choose – we will just be happy to see each other again, fall into each other’s arms and be happy to be in the other’s presence. For me, I can see a circle in this whole thing. Me, who cares for her/him – because if we speak in general terms, it doesn’t matter whether boy of girl, friend or boy-/girlfriend, just a person we love – and he/she, who cares for me and we both, who loves how the other cares and appreciate.

I don’t understand the people, who don’t understand why I am making such an effort, since there is no effort there for me. Just joy.

Old and New – New Years Eve

New Years Eve will be approaching soon, for both old and young ones, like me, there is one question that keeps bugging you – and you let yourself be bugged with – is the one question that has arisen, for some maybe, even months before it happens: Where will you spent your New Years Eve? How? With whom? Even when is a question of matter, as stupid as it sounds.

But it is fun, at least it can be, as it mostly is when it comes to preparation, because along with it comes the anticipation. People make such a big fuss about New Years Eve, with all the fireworks and celebrating, counting down the numbers until it hits the time of the year. The end and the new beginning. It is a nice thought, a lovely notion, however, yet I never quite considered myself as someone, who was a big fan of this loud celebrating of firing chemical reactions up into the sky – in my mind, it is too over the top and just too much of everything, for myself, who appreciated the quite times as these to reflect.

Yet, and I guess especially this year, I am anticipating it even more than before. Why?

It goes back to the one question.

What goes on on New Years Eve? The answer you give gives something definite, you make a choice. It is a statement that you give.

This year, I was given the impression that I can do anything, the world is at my feet, youth an ambrosia that renders you immortal and invincible of time, even when it is passing away too fast. The doors are open, it is the choice that is the hardest. So many possibilities, explore the world, do something creative or something worthwhile, something to be proud of, something to brag about or just… doing something. To live your life, or your dream, just laugh or party into the night, screaming at the top of a mountain or just diving in the cold water, even a trip to Denmark.
It made me reflect. I would have loved to spend my time there, to a different place, exotic and exciting and celebrating with different people from Europe, who share so many things. It sounded so brilliant and who would refuse at this wonderful idea? Is it not about the excitement of the 31st? Crazy wild partying? Funny for me, I never even took it into consideration.

I knew exactly how I was going to be spending this particular day of Old and New.

I was going to spend it with my best friend, surrounded by other friends of ours, loved ones and same old happiness. It is the same old faces, sometimes new ones but most of the times, it stays as it was. It was something that never changed. It is the same way that I have spent it last time and the time before and that time before, too, I guess.

Some people chose to spend it with their families, some might say they would like to go on a trip, some just try to get by, family, friends, boyfriends, people just to pass by, but in the end, those choices are their’s to make, depending on what is important to them. Surely, it would have been nice to do what I have heard of others tell me. It would be a lie to say that I would not wish to do the same as well, but in the end, I am happy with my choice and I would never trade it for anyone else.

I would rather spend the New Years Eve with someone who is dear to me rather than anywhere else. Me, who has begun studying more than six hours distance from the people, who used to give me the feeling of being loved, welcomed and just the feeling of home. For I may not spend my time doing things I could later on retell others who ask me where I have spent it, awe them by telling them of pretty colorful tales, I will not shoot lots of pictures of wondrous places I can always look at later and tell whoever might be interested, but I will have the chance to spend my New Years Eve doing the same as I have last year, just a little different and all the while knowing that this time will be kept in my heart and there to last, because I am spending it with someone I love.How my New Years Eve would look like - just more party and less food -

Because just one second of happiness is capable of turning a fleeting moment into a lasting memory and that is what makes it all the worthwhile.

Feel free to tell me how and with whom you celebrate that day with 🙂


The Beautiful Kind of Love

I guess this is going to be a rather personal post.

A lot has happened over the last summer, over this whole year in fact. There had been a lot of changes and turns, I am in a different space and maybe it is overwhelming, but so exciting as well and so many things I still have yet to wrap my head around. There had been a lot of changes evolving within myself as well and this is what this post is going to be about.

I have turned 20 this year, last month to be exact and in general, I am a person, who likes to think about the world and the light that falls through the leaves, who is happy when the sky above her is blue and loves noises of streets during the night, because it means that there is life out there. I am an introverted person, an INFP, but that is something different entirely. What I want to say is, I have done a lot of thinking.

This autumn I started my studies, a whole new chapter is going to open up and it is somewhere exciting. However, it also leads me to think about… well everything. The things that I have once loved to do suddenly becomes less the one thing I enjoy, I have found new aspects and perspectives in life and old ideas became new ideas.

I used to be someone, who – well I guess it is not far-fetched when I say that I had a inferiority-complex and there are chances I still do, but… well I guess I am growing up. Because that’s the thing. I have learnt to deal with the things I have in life, to accept them as they are, because there are things that just cannot be changed – what life has given you, but you can deal with it. If you are not happy, then you have the chance to change that and only you. The problems you have, they will not disappear just like that and there won’t be a fairy godmother, who shows up, wiggles with her magic wand and suddenly you have the happy ending you always wanted. This is part of growing up.

When I was young and insecure, I did not like who I was. I didn’t like my looks, my body and personality was lacking as well, that was how I looked at it. I was not happy, I was not content. Instead, I longed to be slim as a board and tall and just more… I don’t even know anymore what I wanted, because now it seems just so… trivial.

Does that sound sad? Maybe.

So it makes me even more happy to have put that behind me.

I have read this article, where it was stated that most women feel content with their body around their 30’s, when they are past their youth, and somewhere in-between they start to realize their beauty and start to love who they are and how they look like. So I could not help myself but think just how much of a shame it is.

Because right now, I love my body, I don’t have wrinkles or cellulite. There is no doubt that they will come, but still, so what, this is my body and I have to be the one, who loves it. Everyone else who may have a problem with that, is not my problem. It is as easy as that.

I am not thinking about what I wish for anymore, because I like myself. Sure, it would be great to be tall and slim, blonde or whatever, but that wouldn’t be me

I am curvy and petite 5′ 1/4″ tall, I am Asian, I should be grateful I at least am taller than my mother :P. I also remember when I complained about not being tall enough, not slim enough to my friends, who were all that and they would just look at me or my chest and say that I have no reason ever to complain, in comparison to them.

Looking back, I see myself as young, naive, inexperienced and insecure, like most of the teenagers are. I can say that, because I am older now, I have seen things, more mature and more rational, I have learnt of losses and gains, learned to appreciate, the meaning of time and the importance of love.

Because it is important to love yourself. It is the first step to the beauty you want to be and to achieve, because even when you complain that you are too fat, too slim, small or whatever, it would mean nothing when you do not start to accept and appreciate yourself. Instead I imagine that people would still be unsatisfied with themselves, even when they have gotten what they wanted.

Everyone is beautiful.

I have seen beautiful people – in real life – met gorgeous friends with incredible insecurities, people who don’t care about their looks and all kinds of others. Observing from the outside, I can say that all of my friends are beautiful. They all look different, different personalities and attitude and all in a very different kind, but in the end, I love them, and I love them, because I know who they are and that is what makes them all beautiful.

So when one of them claims to not like their looks at all, it surprises or rather shocks me, because these were thoughts that were far from my mind

It is the attitude that matters.

When you are happy with yourself and love you for who you are, I believe that it changes a lot and I believe that people can see when you are happy. There will always be people, who are beautiful, sometimes more, sometimes less than you, most of the times they can be the same person, so it does not matter. What is important is that you are at your own best and this would not happen until you start loving yourself and frankly, if you cannot love yourself, you, who knows yourself better than anyone, who can?

I believe everyone is capable of that, they just have to get there.

It is not easy, it takes time and efforts and a lot of patience. But I believe and hope that this will be a state anyone can reach, it is just a matter of time and I wish for this, because there is nothing more beautiful than to love yourself – as long as you don’t go down the Narcisse way, because we all know what happened to him. When you start loving yourself, it is amazing what can happen, because it is everything. Nothing changes much, at least from the outside, but you can still see it.

And there is nothing truly more beautiful than love, right?

It’s a brand new day