What matters?

This terribly ugly, yet grey, not dark and not light feeling that urges inside of you. It is such a great contradiction, because it makes you feel guilty, for you know you are being impossible, you are angry and then there is this side that just want to let it all out.

It is such a familiar feeling for everyone, I guess.

The momentary anger, the hurt and the needless desire to lash it out to everyone, or just one person it particular. Does it matter? I guess not because in the end, you will feel bad and regret this anyway.

I had thought that it wouldn’t matter, thought that distance was just a number and we could be proud, that in the end, we would be stronger than ever. how was i supposed to know that this was already the end then.

Those feelings are unjust and unreal, wrong and yet, they feel so right.

That momentary anger.

The things you do in the spur of the moment.

The hurt you want to cause.

But will it hurt?

Will it even be cared?

Do I even care?

I should not, it would make it fair, but what is fair anyway?

I should call. I feel guilty and I should call and I want to, but then there is this part of me that doesn’t want to do anything.

It is irrational, but it is the way it is.

I don’t know if I am just sprouting this in the spur of the moment, but does it matter anyway? Because that’s how I feel right now and nothing could ever change that. There is also the possibility that I am just saying this, being adamant on this, because that’s how I feel right now. I want to be adamant, I want this to be the truth and I need this to be true. This is how I feel right now, and perhaps I may regret, perhaps apologize and say I am sorry, and change my point, but right now, I don’t.

So I wonder, what is the worth of now?


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