In the Spur of the Moment?

What matters?

This terribly ugly, yet grey, not dark and not light feeling that urges inside of you. It is such a great contradiction, because it makes you feel guilty, for you know you are being impossible, you are angry and then there is this side that just want to let it all out.

It is such a familiar feeling for everyone, I guess.

The momentary anger, the hurt and the needless desire to lash it out to everyone, or just one person it particular. Does it matter? I guess not because in the end, you will feel bad and regret this anyway.

I had thought that it wouldn’t matter, thought that distance was just a number and we could be proud, that in the end, we would be stronger than ever. how was i supposed to know that this was already the end then.

Those feelings are unjust and unreal, wrong and yet, they feel so right.

That momentary anger.

The things you do in the spur of the moment.

The hurt you want to cause.

But will it hurt?

Will it even be cared?

Do I even care?

I should not, it would make it fair, but what is fair anyway?

I should call. I feel guilty and I should call and I want to, but then there is this part of me that doesn’t want to do anything.

It is irrational, but it is the way it is.

I don’t know if I am just sprouting this in the spur of the moment, but does it matter anyway? Because that’s how I feel right now and nothing could ever change that. There is also the possibility that I am just saying this, being adamant on this, because that’s how I feel right now. I want to be adamant, I want this to be the truth and I need this to be true. This is how I feel right now, and perhaps I may regret, perhaps apologize and say I am sorry, and change my point, but right now, I don’t.

So I wonder, what is the worth of now?


The Need for Beauty

Sometimes, I fear that people believe me to be vain, perhaps even superficial. But that is the first impression that will be answered with a yes or no and I truly fear that most of the time, in my case people will answer with yes.

But I cannot blame them, for the truth, I do care about my appearance, perhaps too much, but who am I to judge when no one else can agree on anything. My love for beauty shows through my clothing and that’s okay with me, because I adore expression, just like I adore any kind of expression, for beauty is fashion, because fashion is art and art is all about expression, even when sometimes it is not very fashion.

But there are still people, who judge and condemn. They love to put you in a drawer.

They say that beauty is not real.

I have thought long and hard about it.

I cannot argue with that exactly.

Indeed, beauty is not real. 

Beauty is an illusion.

Beauty is what you make out of it. Read more